


Stupid Sexy Shulk

by GintaxAlvissforever



Category: Super Smash Brothers
Genre: Clothing Damage, Food Porn, M/M, Self-cest, Twincest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-10
Updated: 2014-10-10
Packaged: 2018-02-20 14:57:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2432927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GintaxAlvissforever/pseuds/GintaxAlvissforever
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You can’t catch me gay thoughts!” Yeah…about that Robin…</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stupid Sexy Shulk

They screwed up. They screwed up really bad and were paying for it. Dark Pit would always blame Pit and say he was the one that started it but even if he tried to get out of this situation, they invoked the Goddess' rage.

The two were lucky that the Goddess of Light Palutena did not spank them in front of everyone after what they did. Instead she forced them on their knees lecturing them for hours on their actions. If one dozed off or wasn't listening, she would smack them with her scepter. She was that angry.

The punishment though seemed minor in comparison but anyone who was a resident of Skyworld knew that they were in huge trouble.

For the next couple of weeks, Pit and Dark Pit would have a bottle strapped to their hip. Inside the small bottle was milk. This didn't seem like much of a punishment but it wasn't your average milk. It was holy milk obtained from another portion of heaven used as a handicap to prevent angels from fighting unfairly against humans. Dark Pit was insulted learning that given he shouldn't have to show any mercy against anyone period but the holy milk was a power limiter. If the bottle is spilled, then they lose their strength based on the amount spilt. Given Pit's clumsiness, it would not end well for him but in a Smash match when moving around quickly and the lid intentionally not being sealed shut, it would result in a severe handicap inside and even outside of battle.

"Hope you two learned your lesson."

Palutena also added that if they intended to trick her by pouring milk from the kitchen into it when she checked up on it or tried to remove it at any point, the punishment would be more severe and perhaps she would spank them in front of the Smashers. They weren't children and being spanked by the Goddess was the last thing they needed. Reserving their reputation was important after all and Dark Pit didn't want to be a laughing stock more so than Pit.

Yet when Palutena was out of their sight, Pit did not seem that worried about the punishment. In fact he was glad that he wasn't spanked and preferred this.

"What's so great about having a handicap?" The dark angel growled. "And carrying this shit around implies that I'm a stupid kid that wants to grow big and strong!"

Pit just chuckled. "The thing about this holy milk is that if you spill it on demons, it kills them."

"There are no demons here…except Ganondork and that devil…and the white peacock guy…" Dark Pit grumbled not remembering who the assist trophy was that ass kissed Ganondorf to hell and back.

"Well for starters this milk is thicker than your average milk. It actually tastes pretty good."

"Pit…you're not going to drink that and get punished more, are you?!"

"Oh no. When Palutena gets the milk, she adds a property to it. If you pour it on someone, their clothes melt away!"

It took a second to register what Pit just said before his eye's widened. "W-What?!"

Pit chuckled. "If I'm going to spill this anyway in the match, I might as well pour it on someone! Its impossible to actually maintain the milk in the bottle anyway and with how angry Lady Palutena is, we're going to be stuck with this for a while."

"W-Why would you do that? Why would you pour this…substance on someone?"

Pit hummed. "So I don't get it on myself. I don't want anyone seeing my sacred buns. Since I'm going to go up against Ike, I can pour it on him."

Of course Pit would think that. Despite being his darker half, Pittoo actually lacked some of the perverted thoughts Pit had. This might be because he never focused on those issues and cared more about fighting and one upping Pit. Pit however demonstrated a variety of interest in a lot of Smashers to the point that the dark angel thought that Pit secretly pined for a harem. Being around Palutena and Phosphora probably ramped up his sexual nature or maybe he finally hit puberty with his body type that wouldn't be manly for another 2000 years.

"Or maybe I'll pour it on Lucina for you to see. You like her a lot after all."

Now this made his face turn pink. Pit was going too far now.

"Pit, you need to stop that crap. I don't like Lucina. She's cool unlike you and a bunch of the losers here. Don't misinterpret my admiration and respect with your dirty mind."

"But you would still like to see her boobs right?"

"You're a fucking idiot…" Dark Pit grumbled again realizing he wasn't going to win. "Do what you want, but I hope the bottle spills on you first."

Pit hummed as he went off for his Smash battle. Dark Pit had a really bad feeling about this.

* * *

The first Smash battle went horribly as one would expect because of the handicap. It was Pit, Ike, Lucina and Duck Hunt Dog (called Banjo and the bird named Kazooie). They were fighting on the Magicant stage and the Flying Men made Pit's life a living hell since apparently they wanted to side with the troll dog. Pit had been keeping his distance for most of the battle constantly using his orbitars to push Ike back. The desire of wanting to pour the milk on Ike failed though given Lucina wouldn't let up the attacks on Pit. The angel blocked with his bow but it wasn't going to do much especially when the Flying Men hit Pit in the side where the milk was. Pit's eyes widened seeing a little bit of the milk spill on his tunic causing it to crumble to dust.

"God damn you!" Pit cursed as he upper dashed into the flying men when he came at him. Normally it would be able to take it out but just a little spill made Pit weaker and the thing was still alive. Lucina was the one that finished it off.

"Not on top of your game, are you Pit?"

Pit made an annoyed countenance and debating whether or not to just dump the thick substance on her smug face. He wouldn't get a response when Ike showed up right behind him smacking him with the back of the sword. Pit reacted too slow when the bottle fell of the strap and spilled out. While Pit was quick to shut the lid the damage was already done when he crashed into Lucina.

Pit got the milk on his face and just licked the stuff above his lip making sure the bottle wasn't damaged in any shape or form. Part of his tunic crumbled away nearly revealing his chest. Ike's eyes widened.

"Uh crap…it really did spill but at least it tastes good…what is it Ike?"

It wasn't Pit that had the white substance on his face; the problem was Lucina that got all over her outfit. She reacted slowly given that she got some milk in her eye but once she looked down, her face turned red as she let out an uncharacteristic scream covering her chest area where her clothes crumbled away going farther down to melt a bit of the black colored bra she was apparently wearing to her chest.

"Pit, what did you do?" Ike asked seeing as Lucina lost the will to fight with her chest being visible.

"Uhh…if you haven't noticed this…"

Well its not like they could all talk about the problem when Banjo collected all three pieces of the Daybreak and hit everyone with the items effectively winning the match.

Anybody who was watching the match (Dark Pit, both Robins, Chrom) were furious with Pit. Palutena just loved to her captain burn though given the minute Pit came out; Chrom punched him in the face.

"What the hell did you do to my daughter?!"

"Ack! It was an accident! Lady Palutena…milk…handicap…uhhh…"

A father's fist was stronger than Little Mac's KO punch and that made Pit realize how screwed he was for going after Lucina just to get at his clone. Pit was knocked into Ike who just groaned seeing how dumb the angel was being. Lucina refused to come out despite the fact Banjo was pulling on her cape to get her out. He wasn't helping the situation. Robin went inside to go help Lucina while Rob was just horrified that milk was able to destroy clothes. Dark Pit couldn't unsee it and now he was all embarrassed seeing Lucina being shy on the battlefield.

"I'm sorry Chrom…oww! Stop…oww! Ike, help!"

"Pit, you're coming with us. Hopefully there won't be any problems in the next match…"

Even though Pit was being threatened with violence from a father, he still had the balls to stick his tongue out at his twin who was silent the entire time. Robin would come out with Lucina wearing Robin's clothes over her chest area. Dark Pit was almost disappointed that he wouldn't see much. At least her face was cleaned up so it didn't seem like Pit…he didn't want to go there…

Lucina couldn't even look at Dark Pit and kept apologizing to Robin for causing her so much trouble.

"It's okay. If Pit is guilty, you can shove Falchion up his butt." She said with a smile. "And then slice and dice him."

People say that Robin was the sane one of the two twins but in actuality marrying the childish dark mage Henry proved that was far from it. She even inherited his speaking pattern when handling the Smashers and it was weird to say the least.

The next battle would be Rob, Shulk, Dark Pit and Little Mac on the Tortimer's Island stage. Already Dark Pit had a bad feeling seeing Shulk show up with nothing but his boxers. Honestly, why did Master Hand give him the okay to be half naked? Was he competing for the sexiest Smasher with Samus?

Shulk hummed as he was ready for battle but upon seeing Samus was not going to be in this match, he frowned.

"Hey wait a second! Samus was supposed to be fighting, not you Little Mac."

Little Mac smirked. "She said I could take her place. As long as I win, I can get a coffee with her."

Shulk's expression darkened at the boxer who was ready to win for that date. Dark Pit really had a bad feeling about this.

* * *

And the battle was worse for the dark angel for different reasons. Because he fought harder than Pit and didn't stop when he spilled his milk, his tunic crumbled in obvious places and it didn't go unnoticed. Robin tried to ask during battle but Pittoo didn't want to hear the end of it.

The best part though was Shulk who switched to his smash stance and launched Little Mac. He then jumped into the water attempting to drown the boxer.

"GET IN THE WATER!" Shulk shouted.

"HEY, CAN'T…SWIM!"

"DROWN AS FAST AS SONIC!"

If Sonic were watching the match, he would probably get him back later.

Rob got the two KOs by charging his thunder tome and then shooting archthunder in their direction. Water conducted electricity so they zapped and drowned. Dark Pit found that rather cruel. Charging his electro arm, he charged the white haired man. He stepped out of the way though and then unleashed Nosferatu. Because he got him from behind though, he had no problem smacking his ass.

"Gahhh!"

Rob did this regardless of gender and while he was healing his percentage, it was probably too excessive to touch his butt a couple more times.

"So soft…"

Dark Pit broke free just to smash Robin off the stage. Good thing Lucina wouldn't see that (or would she?)

Shulk witnessed that too and tried to backslash the dark angel. He yelled at Rob who was flashing after coming back to the stage.

"Hey, if you want to touch a booty, you got mine."

"No…" Rob murmured rather quickly. "You're not attractive enough."

"Excuse me?"

"I only touch women, Goddesses and smooth butts. You're not a perfect shape."

Dark Pit wanted to self-destruct at this point so he didn't have to hear Rob. Shulk took offense to that and charge the mage only for Rob to jump and be punched in the face by Little Mac who was angry about the attempted drowning. Shulk was sent flying into the red eyed angel who was unfortunate to spill his entire bottle compared to Pit's. His eyes widened as most of it tipped onto Shulk completely. The blonde yelped feeling the coldness touching his boxers.

"THAT'S COLD!"

The milk's effect…was a sight to behold. Lucina and Pit were lucky given the milk disintegrated whatever the seer was wearing leaving him butt naked. Rob's eyes nearly popped out of his head like a Mii. The tactician was mesmerized at his figure…

"What?" Shulk looked down and felt his cheeks turn a little pink as he gave a fake smile. "Oh crap…I guess I'm not wearing nothing at all…"

"DARK PIT!" Rob shouted as he sent an archfire spell toward the dark angel. "FIRST LUCINA NOW THIS?!"

"He bumped into me!" Dark Pit cried as he took off.

Little Mac did not care if Shulk's dingaling was hanging out. His KO punch was ready and he was ready for the kill. Shulk could foresee pain and humiliation but Rob grabbed Shulk from behind. His face paled immediately.

"Rob…don't…my future is looking bleak…"

Rob wanted to say something…he wanted to do something. He probably needed to use Nosferatu again but his eyes were looking down. Shulk did have a good body after all…his chest was already nice but his size wasn't bad either…and his butt was in the form of a peach…

_Oh god no…_

Little Mac charged the two and hit them with the KO punch. Shulk was lucky that his groin wasn't hit when they were both sent flying upward hitting Dark Pit who was hovering over them and was sent into the water. Rob was only a star but Shulk was incredibly unfortunate crashing into the 4th wall naked. Everyone watching the match got a great view as his butt sliding down. Palutena got a picture of that.

The time ran out before anything could happen and of course Little Mac won. No one cared though since Shulk's butt would be all over the Internet now never mind that Dark Pit was the one who started it…

* * *

The dark angel already went into hiding the minute he got out of the machine. Shulk was coming after him for that accident. Dark Pit turned tail and ran while the blonde came out still butt naked in rage.

"How dare you damn crow do that to me! You're going to feel the power of the Monado!"

"Shulk, put some clothes on!" The white haired tactician yelled. "No one wants to see you go commando!"

Shulk wasn't listening and he gave chase to the dark angel throughout the mansion. Dark Pit wasn't that fast now thanks to the milk getting dumped on the seer completely. Shulk activated his speed mode and was catching up.

"You kidding me?!" Pittoo asked as he jumped out the window thinking he would be able to fly…only to fall flat on his face. Shulk attempted to backslash him but he rolled out of the way. "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!"

"I'M WEARING NOTHING AT ALL BECAUSE OF YOU!"

He got a hit in and ended up slashing at Dark Pit's tunic revealing his bare chest. He blushed as he covered his chest and jumped into the nearby bushes. The blonde perused the red eyed angel, but apparently lost him that quickly. Hearing a rustle, he intended to backslash the person only to miss. Shulk's eyes widened realizing that it was not Dark Pit.

The Smasher looking at him was just eating a banana and didn't like his banana being knocked out of his hand. Looking down at the swordsman, he just smirked.

"D-Donkey Kong?!"

"Oooh."

There was a scream that echoed throughout the mansion. Dark Pit was lucky that Rosalina showed him some mercy and teleported him to another part of the mansion away from the angry Monado user.

* * *

Rob searched everywhere for Shulk and even after hearing him scream, the tactician realized he didn't want to assist the guy. He was too sexy for his own good and his head was hurting just picturing the Monado user. He had to keep convincing himself he was straight but that was starting to not be the case. Perhaps he could just convince himself that it's just Shulk he fines attractive, but admitting it would mean that shirtless Shulk was indeed having an affect on him. Perhaps he could request to Master Hand to ban the sexiness of Shulk and Samus…nah that would piss everyone off.

Instead he was just going to go to his room, take some migraine medicine and just take a nap until dinner. That was his plan but unfortunately, the gayness was still going to happen today. Rosalina actually transported Dark Pit to where Pit was. After explaining the situation to Ike and Chrom, he was allowed to leave to meet with his Goddess but he didn't want to see her yet. He embarrassed himself and even though he still had milk left, he didn't want to risk spilling it again.

The dark angel popping up in front of him was enough for Pit to get up and taunt his twin.

"I guess I won the match after all."

"Tch, you got lucky. Not only did I lose everything from one stupid attack, but I got chased across the mansion by that stripper."

"Oh, I heard that, but I was too busy getting a band-aid from Dr. Mario. You look like the Underworld army abducted and tried to dissect you."

That was a weird way of putting it. Dark Pit would have described himself as being cornered by a group of thugs and them attempting to strip him, but demons trying to murder you brutally sounded better than the idea of being violated and with the lack of milk, the idea of him not having any way to fight back worried him.

"That idiot goes full commando and thinks that just because he's not wearing underwear doesn't mean he can catch me…and he almost did…no thanks to your Goddess."

Pit was too busy examining his dark twin before he had a sinister idea. Dark Pit didn't realize it until it was too late. The angel took the rest of his milk and splashed it on his lower area causing him to have an undignified yelp. He sat down on the floor where the milk was spilled covering his private part up. His cheeks were red with anger looking at the white angel's triumphant expression.

"You bastard! What did you do that for?! Why would you do that?! You would have won today if you didn't do that!"

"But Pittoo, you look like you had an accident just now. Want me to clean it up?"

"I-Idiot, don't touch me right here when anyone can hear! Actually, don't touch me period you gross pervert!"

The dark angel thought Pit would have lost his power but upon closer inspection, Pit had one drop of milk left in his bottle allowing him to overpower Dark Pit in this situation and still win the bet. Pit bent down next to his twin wiping some of the milk off of him before putting his finger into his mouth. Pit was enjoying seeing his twin react negatively to his erotic…sucking.

"I was right, the milk is great even if it's thick!" The angel declared again. He drank his own but tasting someone else' milk was better.

"S-Stop talking…stop doing anything…you're an embarrassment…"

The angel had no problem getting behind his twin who refused to move from his spot licking whatever milk stain got on his face. He forced his dark clone on his lap causing him to shiver from the touch. Pit's hand went lower than Pittoo's chest reaching to where the clothes disintegrated despite the fact he should have cleaned up above that area first…

"D-Don't…not…here…guhhh…"

"Oh come on Pittoo. I'm just licking the milk I spilled on you and you're already getting hard?"

"Not Pittoo dammit…" He shut his mouth though when the captain intended to go further in broad daylight. He was so screwed if anyone saw. Pit at least was clothed but the dark angel lost his lower portion of his tunic and his upper tunic was ripped. His entire chest and said lower region were covered with spilt milk that looked like something else entirely and oh he was so uncomfortable that he wanted to run to his room and lock it…but then he remembered that he shared the room with Pit so that wasn't going to work. Going to Lucina was out of the question too because she was a victim to this.

Rob wanted to interrupt them but couldn't. First ass tapping, next a wonderfully plump peach butt and a great view and now some twins…this was starting to become too much like a gay fantasy for him.

The twins wouldn't get that far though given that someone slammed their sword into the wall causing Dark Pit to yelp out of Pit's lap causing himself to fall face first on the floor with his butt sticking out in the air. Any attempts at him trying to cover himself failed, as there wasn't anything left.

"You bastard…the last thing I needed was to see that damn ape!" Shulk growled. Besides his hair being all messed up from rolling in the bushes, he had some obvious marking on his body. "Now it's Shulk time and you're going to pay."

Pit just tilted his head at why Shulk was naked (despite the fact Dark Pit just told him). Maybe the milk was making him ask the stupid question because any smart person would have run off…but not Pit.

"Hey Shulk! I was just messing with Pittoo. There's room for one more. Hey…why are you in smash mode? We're going to have fun right…wait…NO!"

Rob wanted to shoot himself seeing the fight break out. It wouldn't be long until someone found three guys rolling in milk duking it outside of Smash. Rob sighed in defeat as he got his tome out.

"I guess I have no choice…TIME TO TIP THE SCALES!"

He came out of his hiding spot and dog piled on the other men. If his headache would kill him, then he would rather take these idiots down with him for giving him gay thoughts he couldn't run from.

* * *

The entire time though, someone was watching from the highest floor of Smash Brothers Mansion. Rosalina giggled seeing the Goddess of Light watching the match so observantly with her powers. The other person in the room was Ganondorf as he shook his head at what the green haired Goddess was doing.

"Goddess of Light…what were you thinking?" He had to ask. "If the Hero of Time jumps in…then that's just another guy to not shower with…"

When Palutena turned to Rosalina and Ganondorf, she wore those swirly opaque glasses on her face. She snickered sinisterly as she clasped her hands forming a finger tent.

"Oh Ganny, you have no idea. All is according to plan. Mwah hah hah…"

"Remind me never to mess with you ever again…" The King of Evil grumbled as he found it better to just hide behind Rosalina before she decided to flick him into the messy dog pile.

**Author's Note:**

> Me: Done with 4616 words. Notes!
> 
> 1\. The title itself is misleading and that's intentional. The title is about Rob's thoughts on Shulk while the story revolves around what got Rob thinking Shulk was hot in the first place.
> 
> 2\. Use your imagination on why Palutena was angry enough that the punishment was something from Queen's Blade. I'll say this right now though holy milk does not have the power to melt clothes. That goes with the acid that the demon Melona has. The holy milk can kill demons and handicaps angels. Of course Pit would think of drinking it but Palutena put something in it where Pit's brain just stops thinking. It's not exactly a sex drug but it does make Pit act bolder and still stupid.
> 
> 3\. Sorry Lucina. You had to suffer the Queen's Blade humiliation before I got to the guys. Oh well, Chrom punched Pit in the face so it's all good.
> 
> 4\. I named Duck Hunt Banjo and Kazooie because one of his color swaps look like that duo that we'll never get in Smash.
> 
> 5\. You can no longer swim in Smash Brothers 4 but its still funny to see Smashers try to drown each other like in Brawl.
> 
> 6\. Use your imagination on what DK did to Shulk. DK has the best expressions so just imagine the hell he gave the poor guy. Don't mess with his bananas!
> 
> 7\. The rating can stay M because I never go into detail of what Pit is trying to do and gets interrupted rather quickly for the sake of comedy and sexiness. Rob just lost it at the end and gave into his gay thoughts.
> 
> 8\. Did I mention Palutena has the best nerd glasses ever?


End file.
